AM I THAT UNIMPORTANT?

I supposed not to know this, to not know whats going to happen.
The days is still not come yet, but it's only a matter of hour. No one tell me yet.. Confirmed! Say somethin, anything.. I'd say that I'd better didnt know the rumor. But then, can I accept what will happen with an open mind later?
There's one question that always nagging at the back of my brain, "AM I THAT UNIMPORTANT?" Or I am too important so they postponed my knowledge?

If this rumor is true..
How come she do that to me while she's the one who saw me fall those years ago?
How come she do that to me while all she do is find the help to get me better?
How come she do that to me while she resent the same action made by him?

Or she think..
Because I no longer live with her daily?
Because I've finally accepting my situation?

Why she be blinded by her only child that she constantly saw? Why she become this selfish? Or am I the selfish one?

Does she forget how it felt to be betrayed? To be lied to?

Now I kept saying this mantra to myself, only to myself:

"Don’t destroy yourself over somebody else’s foolishness. I know they betrayed you. I know they lied on you. I know they talked behind your back and told all of your business. I know they hurt you to the core. I know they turned their back on you. I know they cheated on you. I know they mislead you. I know, I KNOW. In spite of it all, you have to know that you are worth more than what they dished out to you. You will survive! You will make it through! Remember who YOU are and know YOUR self-worth!"

Why did I have to live my life obsessed with these kinds of concerns, this constant attempt to control the most uncertain of outcomes, my own effect on someone else's mind?